Trump Defeats Canada By Renaming Lake Ontario

President Donald Trump defeated Canada on Wednesday by ordering the federal government to rename Lake Ontario “Lake America,” ending a centuries-old foreign-policy crisis without negotiations, legislation or any adjustment to the international border running through the water. The executive order instructed federal agencies to remove “Ontario,” a word the administration classified as an imported geographic product, from official maps. Google Maps was urged to display the approved name for American users, while Apple was advised that allowing citizens to encounter Canadian spelling could constitute navigation interference.

Trump declared the renaming a decisive economic and military victory. “This is the most American lake anywhere, probably more American than Lake Michigan, which has Michigan in the name and everybody knows Michigan has treated me very unfairly,” Trump said. “Canada had hundreds of years to brand this water, and they failed. We fixed the whole lake with one signature.” Administration economists promptly recalculated every gallon as domestic output, increasing the nation’s freshwater gross domestic product without adding water. Fish swimming south will now count as reshored manufacturing, while fish traveling north will face tariffs for outsourcing themselves.

Ontario Premier Doug Ford maintained that Canadians would continue calling the lake “Lake Ontario,” an escalation the White House described as both provocative and alphabetically hostile. Officials rejected complaints that Canada shares the lake, explaining that sharing is socialism with shorelines and that American maps supersede foreign sovereignty whenever printed in a larger font. The administration also noted that Canada had failed to protect its naming rights by neglecting to place a sufficiently large flag in the middle of the lake.

With the Great Lakes repaired through executive typography, the White House is preparing additional infrastructure achievements. Niagara Falls is under review for the name “American Water Winning,” the Mississippi River may become the “Trump Water Highway,” and federal maps could soon identify Canada as “Upper Minnesota Pending Negotiations.” No treaties will require amendment because the administration has reclassified treaties as long-form suggestions. Lake America now belongs entirely to the United States for branding purposes, which means Canada has been defeated.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.