ICE Advances Compassion With Electric Shock Gloves
Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a historic advance in compassionate law enforcement Tuesday, awarding a $16.7 million no-bid contract for 6,000 pairs of gloves designed to deliver painful electric shocks through an officer’s fingertips. The devices, manufactured by Kentucky-based Compliant Technologies and priced at $2,495 per pair, are officially classified as “conductive distraction and de-escalation devices,” after federal testing found that “electrocution mittens” made the government’s intentions too easy to understand. Officials said the remaining contract funds would support training, maintenance and the continued development of nouns that make pain sound therapeutic.
ICE policy permits officers to use the gloves during arrests, detainee transportation and protests near detention facilities, including against people engaged in passive resistance, a dangerous maneuver involving sitting still while retaining constitutional rights at an inconvenient volume. The technology allows agents to bypass cumbersome verbal tactics and communicate empathy directly into the nervous system. President Donald Trump praised the purchase as evidence that his administration remains committed to humane treatment. “These are beautiful gloves, very gentle electricity, probably the gentlest electricity anyone has ever had, and people will thank us while it is happening,” Trump said. “They will say, ‘Sir, this shock has brought the whole country together,’ because nobody understands compassion better than we do.”
Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto and 15 other Democratic senators objected to the contract, raising procedural distractions involving medical risks, oversight, training and whether federal agents should carry a concealed pain-delivery system. The Department of Homeland Security replied that prolonged discussion could endanger officers by forcing them to de-escalate confrontations with words. White House border czar Tom Homan defended the gloves as an alternative to deadly force, formally expanding the federal policing spectrum from “please comply” to “government-issued oven mitt” without the bureaucratic delay of an intermediate step. Officials emphasized that the devices are not punitive, because punishment requires hostile intent, while federally administered pain becomes de-escalation once taxpayers spend $16.7 million naming it that.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.