Trump Declares Imported Beef More American Than American Beef

President Donald Trump moved Tuesday to resolve his dispute with Senate Republicans by clarifying that “America First” has always meant buying American, particularly when the government temporarily defines 300,000 metric tons of foreign ground beef as American. The administration’s plan would suspend higher tariffs for 90 days and sell the imported meat at prices up to 25% below current market rates, allowing U.S. ranchers to enjoy the patriotic experience of competing against their own president. The supplier countries remain unidentified under a White House transparency policy that protects consumers from the burden of knowing what they are eating.

“The second this beautiful foreign beef crosses our border, it becomes American beef, probably more American than cows born here, because those cows never chose America,” Trump said. “Nobody understands citizenship for hamburger better than me, and these are tremendous hamburgers with very strong borders.” Sens. John Barrasso, Jerry Moran, Katie Britt, Steve Daines and Tom Cotton opposed the plan, adopting the extremist position that an “America First” government should place American producers first. White House officials dismissed their concerns as protectionism, socialism and possible vegetarianism, noting that free markets work best when the president selects the winners and imports enough discounted meat to discipline the losers.

Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins declined to identify the beef’s principal origins, preserving shoppers’ freedom from informed choice. To restore party unity, Trump offered domestic ranchers a compromise under which American cattle could be exported, processed abroad and returned through customs with the enhanced patriotism available only to imports. Ranchers would pay the transportation and processing costs, but administration officials said they would gain invaluable exposure to the global economy and a clearer understanding of why their own government prefers someone else’s cows. Senate Republicans are expected to endorse the arrangement after receiving assurances that no contradiction exists: foreign beef becomes American at the border, while American ranchers become foreign interests the moment they complain. The imported beef is now the most American meat in America.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.