White House Replaces Security Clearances With Loyalty
The White House confirmed Thursday that Natalie Harp, President Donald Trump’s executive assistant and preferred distributor of flattering printouts, has pioneered a national security protocol known as “being extremely loyal.” The method replaces the cumbersome federal practice of determining whether officials should view classified information with a faster assessment of whether they bring the president upsetting news. Harp reportedly went more than a year without seeking the routine security clearance generally expected of West Wing staffers, despite serving as Trump’s gatekeeper, handling communications and filtering information placed before him. She later obtained clearance after security officials applied pressure and Trump applied the more powerful credential of personal approval.
Administration officials praised the system as a major improvement over background investigations, which can waste weeks examining foreign contacts, financial vulnerabilities and other details unrelated to whether an applicant considers Trump handsome. Under the revised standard, access may be granted to anyone equipped with a portable printer, a supply of favorable news coverage and the discipline to remove paragraphs containing criticism. “Natalie never needed the old clearance because I cleared her with my judgment, which is much better than forms and fingerprints,” Trump said. “She brings me tremendous articles, all very accurate and positive, and a person who prints that many beautiful things could never be a security risk.”
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said Harp now has a clearance “like everyone else,” formally resolving the previous period under the administration’s doctrine that anything corrected today was never wrong yesterday. Sen. Jon Ossoff’s questions about Harp’s access were dismissed as reliance on the obsolete belief that national secrets are safer with vetted personnel than with whichever aide reaches the Oval Office first. Officials noted that conventional screening can identify conflicts of interest but cannot detect the more serious offense of insufficient enthusiasm.
The administration plans to extend loyalty-based vetting across the federal government. Applicants will certify that Trump is energetic, infallible and taller than official measurements indicate; hesitation longer than three seconds will constitute a foreign tie. Classified material is now secure because everyone permitted to see it agrees the president is wonderful.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.