Trump Declares Total Control Of Strait His Administration Cannot Open
President Donald Trump announced Monday that the United States had achieved “100% control” of the Strait of Hormuz, citing as decisive evidence his administration’s inability to persuade Iran to restore full commercial traffic. Iranian officials have demanded sanctions relief, access to frozen assets, a reduced U.S. military presence and reparations before normal shipping resumes. Trump dismissed those conditions and unveiled a governing principle under which a waterway becomes free the moment the president declares victory over its closure.
“We have complete control, frankly more than complete control, because the ships are not moving at all,” Trump said. “They respect us so much they are standing perfectly still, and nobody has ever seen maritime obedience like this before.” The president added that Iran would soon pay the United States reparations for requesting reparations, a negotiating breakthrough officials said would occur immediately after Tehran accepted that every demand made by Washington is legally an invoice.
White House officials explained that previous administrations measured control by whether vessels could safely enter, cross and leave a strategic passage. The Trump administration instead measures it by the confidence with which Trump says a percentage near television cameras. Under the new Maritime Freedom Through Complete Nonmovement doctrine, any port, canal, shipping lane or municipal parking garage falls under American command once the president assigns it a sufficiently round number. Actual access is considered an outdated technicality favored by cartographers, insurers and captains with nowhere else to be.
The administration also ruled Iran’s reparations demand invalid because reparations are legitimate only when requested by the United States, preferably with a 20% processing fee and optional access to a Trump property. Negotiations will continue until Iran reopens the strait, global energy markets stop noticing that it is closed, or federal dictionaries revise “control” to mean “publicly claiming ownership of a problem someone else is still causing.” The Strait of Hormuz is therefore fully open, completely secure and under total American control, except for the ships that cannot pass through it.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.