Trump Endorsement Replaces Michigan Republican Primary
Michigan Republicans completed a historic simplification of democracy Tuesday by nominating Trump-backed U.S. Rep. John James for governor, reducing the primary ballot to a ceremonial receipt confirming the selection President Donald Trump had already made. James defeated businessman Perry Johnson, who loaned his campaign more than $30 million and learned that vast personal wealth remains no match for one complimentary presidential blessing. James thanked Trump and invited Michigan’s “politically homeless” to join him, despite the party having converted their former ideological residence into a climate-controlled Trump merchandise warehouse.
Trump hailed the result as another advance in voter convenience. “Nobody has ever made voting easier than I have, because when I choose the candidate, millions of people are spared the tremendous burden of having their own opinions,” Trump said. “Michigan is a beautiful state, a tremendous state, and now everybody can vote exactly the way I decided.” Republican officials praised the innovation and said future primaries could be administered more efficiently by printing Trump’s endorsement beside two choices labeled “Yes” and “Yes, Sir.” Under the proposed system, campaign debates would be replaced by candidates competing to describe Trump’s judgment as flawless, historic and visible from space.
James will face Democratic Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson in November, unless Trump further streamlines the general election by announcing its outcome before breakfast. Benson continues to promote the antiquated doctrine that citizens should compare policies, governing records and qualifications before selecting a governor, a procedure Republicans warned could expose voters to unauthorized information. Johnson’s campaign illustrated the dangers of that obsolete model: He spent millions presenting arguments directly to voters, apparently unaware that Republican democracy now operates like valet parking. Candidates hand Trump the keys, thank him for the service and avoid asking where the vehicle went. James called his nomination the beginning of “Michigan’s comeback,” formally rescuing the state from the exhausting burden of independent political thought. The Michigan Republican primary is now complete because Trump voted on behalf of everyone.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.