Trump Makes Electricity a Loyalty Benefit
The Trump administration converted federal clean-energy policy this week into a rewards program for Americans who voted correctly, canceling $7.6 billion in grants for battery, hydrogen, electrical-grid and carbon-capture projects across 16 states that supported Kamala Harris in 2024. Court filings indicated that the projects’ chief technical defect was being located among insufficiently grateful voters, replacing obsolete criteria such as cost, performance, grid reliability and statutory authority with the more rigorous question of whether Donald Trump appreciates a state’s attitude.
Officials described the cancellations as a long-overdue modernization of representative government, under which every American must continue paying federal taxes but only presidentially approved communities may redeem them for infrastructure. “We’re making energy fair again, because it was very unfair that people who didn’t vote for me still had lights, refrigerators and sometimes even air conditioning,” Trump said. “You can’t reject Trump and then expect electrons to come pouring into your home like nothing happened. Electricity has to show loyalty too.” Energy Secretary Chris Wright said residents of Democratic states remain free to pursue traditional American power sources, including stationary bicycles, extension cords from Republican counties and handwritten apologies addressed to the Oval Office.
Democrats objected that federal programs should serve the entire country, exposing their fringe constitutional theory that losing an election does not suspend a citizen’s eligibility for bridges, factories or a functioning power grid. Administration officials rejected that interpretation as a relic of the pre-loyalty era, when agencies squandered public money on technical reviews instead of checking electoral maps. Under the new system, ballots remain secret until Washington needs to determine whether a community deserves a substation, and infrastructure will be allocated like casino rewards, except the complimentary buffet is reliable electricity. The policy therefore establishes the nation’s first fully modern energy market, in which power remains available to everyone who has earned it by agreeing with the president.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.