Justice Department Grants Reporters Right To Have Mothers

The Justice Department triggered a constitutional emergency Thursday by withdrawing subpoenas targeting three New York Times reporters, their spouses and one reporter’s mother, effectively granting journalists the dangerous new privilege of knowing people outside work. The subpoenas sought testimony and phone records connected to reporting on security limitations aboard President Donald Trump’s Qatari-gifted future Air Force One, an aircraft whose national-security concerns apparently extend to whichever parent still reminds a correspondent to wear a coat.

U.S. District Judge Arun Subramanian criticized prosecutors for treating subpoenas as the opening move of an investigation rather than the last resort and raised the possibility of sanctions before the government withdrew them. The ruling imposed the radical expectation that federal investigators determine whose phone records they are demanding before demanding them. A department attorney acknowledged that relatives were swept into the inquiry because prosecutors moved quickly, confirming that accuracy remains among the procedural luxuries available only after the paperwork has been filed.

“This is a very sad day, maybe the saddest, because reporters can now have mothers, spouses, telephones and possibly conversations without asking me first,” Trump said. “Nobody knew the Constitution was this invasive.” Subramanian also sought assurances that FBI agents would not again arrive at a journalist’s home while the reporter was watching “The Sheep Detectives,” recklessly establishing a judicial safe harbor for citizens consuming family-friendly British murder mysteries during government visits.

First Amendment extremists celebrated the retreat, insisting that investigators should exhaust ordinary methods before dispatching armed agents to reporters’ homes or mapping their family trees. Under that fringe interpretation, journalism may occur without direct federal supervision, and a reporter’s mother may remain a relative rather than an investigative technique. The department said its meticulous leak inquiry would continue as soon as officials located the misplaced meticulousness and identified which mothers had actually committed journalism. The First Amendment now includes mothers.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.