Justice Department Adds Subpoenas To Presidential Jet Defenses

The Justice Department has launched a national security campaign to protect the president’s prospective Qatari-supplied aircraft by prosecuting the dangerous spread of information about whether the plane can protect the president. Federal investigators subpoenaed New York Times journalists who reported that the luxury jet lacked advanced defensive systems installed on older presidential aircraft, then sought phone records belonging to the reporters’ relatives. Officials described the family-wide scrutiny as a routine exercise of press freedom, under which journalists may investigate the government and the government may investigate everyone expected at their Thanksgiving dinner.

President Donald Trump praised the inquiry as a breakthrough in aviation safety, explaining that an aircraft cannot have publicly known vulnerabilities if the public is legally discouraged from knowing about them. “This is the safest airplane anybody has ever been forbidden to ask questions about, because our enemies rely entirely on American newspaper coverage to identify aircraft weaknesses,” Trump said. “If reporters publish nothing, foreign militaries learn nothing, the plane becomes secure, and everybody saves a tremendous amount of money.” Administration officials said the doctrine would replace costly electronic countermeasures with the more economical strategy of making technical concerns professionally ruinous to mention.

FBI Director Kash Patel and White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles helped oversee the leak hunt, with officials instructed to surrender phones so investigators could determine who had compromised national security by discussing its absence. Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche treated reporters as material witnesses, the legal designation for people who practice journalism within subpoena range of an embarrassing fact. The investigation follows the standard federal aircraft-security sequence: secure the journalists, secure their spouses, secure their parents, collect several phones and, if funding remains available, inspect the plane. Unlike older presidential aircraft, which rely on hardened communications, electronic countermeasures and other expensive machinery, the Qatari model will be defended by confiscated devices, grand jury paperwork and a legally enforceable atmosphere of nobody noticing anything. The Justice Department is now the jet’s most advanced weapons system.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.