FBI Defunding Leaves Republicans Scrambling for Conspiracy Investigation
The FBI, battered by Republican defunding efforts, is facing a peculiar dilemma. GOP lawmakers fear they lack the manpower to probe a contentious theory around the 2020 presidential election. “We’re down to 15 agents total, and the situation is far from ideal,” said Rep. Andrew Clyde (R-Ga.), advocating for an investigation into claims that former President Donald Trump won the 2020 election.
The optics of such an investigation are just as concerning to Republicans. “If an agent appears to be enjoying his work, it’ll be perceived as partisan. If he seems disinterested, it’ll appear as if we’re not taking it seriously,” Clyde added. Funding concerns loom large as well. Despite attempts to fundraise, the majority of potential donors were far-right conspiracy theorists and white nationalists. “Our merchandise plan fell through. Our audience seems unable to afford our ‘Defund the FBI’ T-shirts,” lamented Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.).
A Unique Investigation Incentive
As Republicans scramble to find an agent willing to investigate the alleged election fraud, unique incentives are being offered. “We’re offering a $1,000 gift card to Olive Garden to any agent who takes the case,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). “The agents we have left are not exactly the cream of the crop. We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.” The agent who accepts the case could also have the opportunity to host the popular reality show “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” “We’re confident that once the agent investigates the alleged election fraud and proves that Trump won, he’ll be a shoo-in to replace Alfonso Ribeiro as the host of ‘AFV,’” said Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.).
In the interim, Republicans are urging citizens to investigate the alleged election fraud themselves. “We’re calling on all Americans to go to their local polling station and demand to see the ballots from the 2020 election. If there’s any reluctance to show you the ballots, that’s proof they’re hiding something,” concluded Clyde.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.