White House Reclassifies Governing as Republican Campaign Work
President Donald Trump has ordered the White House to schedule major policy announcements around the November 3 midterms, completing the federal government’s transition from public institution to taxpayer-funded campaign office. Under the new calendar, popular initiatives will be unveiled before Election Day, unpopular decisions will be stored in a secure drawer until November 4, and routine benefit payments will arrive with enough presidential branding to make recipients wonder whether Trump personally stuffed the envelopes. Officials described the arrangement as responsible governance because voters cannot evaluate an administration unless every bridge opening, rebate check and ceremonial pen is synchronized with Republican turnout operations.
“We would never use the presidency for politics, because politics is very divisive and I am the least divisive person anybody has ever seen,” Trump said. “If something good happens right before voting, that is not campaigning. That is government having perfect timing, which it learned from me.” White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said the administration’s decisions would continue to be based exclusively on merit, economic conditions and whether a policy could be announced beside an enormous sign bearing the president’s name. She added that any appearance of electioneering resulted from the unusual coincidence that sound public policy consistently prefers competitive congressional districts.
Campaign professionals praised the consolidation, noting that ordinary advertisements cost millions of dollars while reaching far fewer people than official events carried live by every cable network. The Federal Election Commission is expected to classify presidential podiums, government websites and agency press releases as naturally occurring civic scenery, provided no official says “vote Republican” more than three times per briefing. Cabinet secretaries will also continue visiting swing districts on strictly administrative business, including the administration of microphones, applause lines and local television interviews. Officials said the system removes any suspicion that governing is being manipulated for electoral purposes because the manipulation now appears on the public schedule. The White House is not using government to influence the midterms. Government is now the Republican Party’s most generously financed field office.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.