White House Declares Higher Interest Rates More Affordable

The Federal Reserve prepared Tuesday to raise its benchmark interest rate by a quarter point from roughly 3.6%, overriding President Donald Trump’s demand for a cut and beginning the traditional second phase of any Trump appointment: becoming a treasonous extremist after encountering arithmetic. Fed Chair Kevin Warsh, personally selected by Trump, was expected to approve the increase after reviewing inflation data that had not been adjusted for presidential satisfaction.

The White House immediately promoted the expected hike as the centerpiece of Trump’s “Prosperity Through Larger Monthly Payments” agenda, under which Americans create wealth by transferring more of it to banks. “Higher rates are actually much lower when you understand numbers at the presidential level, which almost nobody can do,” Trump said. “You pay more for the house, the car and the credit card, and that means everything is worth more because it costs more. Nobody has ever made affordability this expensive before.” Administration officials said the policy would reduce consumer spending by making consumers unable to afford spending, a decisive victory over demand.

Warsh faces the technical challenge of restraining persistent inflation without suggesting that prices remain high, a claim now classified by the administration as economic sabotage. Trump has argued that the United States deserves the world’s lowest interest rate regardless of inflation, debt, market conditions or the basic purpose of interest rates. White House economists endorsed the “regardless of” framework, which already governs tariffs, deficits, employment figures, approval polls and presidential golf scores.

Officials also said higher borrowing costs before the midterm elections would demonstrate Trump’s commitment to affordability by discouraging voters from purchasing homes, cars, appliances or enough groceries to notice the total. If the Fed approves the hike, Trump is expected to claim full credit for appointing Warsh while demanding an investigation into the unknown radical who appointed him. Under the administration’s revised accounting standards, Americans will now become richer each month by having less money.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.