Trump Unveils Kinder Vocabulary For Mass Deportations
President Donald Trump unveiled a historic humanitarian reform this week under which federal agents will continue arresting thousands of immigrants while describing the process in a noticeably nicer voice. The breakthrough followed Trump’s acknowledgment that immigration enforcement may have appeared “too tough,” a cosmetic defect the White House plans to correct without reducing arrests, detentions or deportations. Officials said agents working toward roughly 19,000 arrests per week will now be encouraged to regard compassion as a tone setting rather than an operational change.
“We’re bringing a softer touch, maybe the softest touch anyone has ever seen, while arresting more people than before, which is frankly very gentle,” Trump said. “They’ll be detained beautifully, with tremendous kindness, and everybody will say, ‘Sir, this is the most compassionate handcuffing in American history.’” The policy was promptly demonstrated through continued enforcement involving asylum seekers, college students and children, all of whom became eligible for the administration’s new Kind Words Same Custody program. Suggested language includes replacing “You’re under arrest” with “We’re excited to announce your involuntary travel opportunity” and referring to detention centers as “secure hospitality campuses.”
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem said enforcement would continue through holidays, school terms and elections because humane government services must remain available year-round. White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller praised the adjustment as proof that an administration can moderate substantially without changing anything measurable. Under the compromise, Democrats will receive several reassuring adjectives, immigration hard-liners will receive the same arrest totals, and detainees will receive complimentary access to the adjectives. White House officials said the reform settles the national immigration debate by establishing that mass deportation becomes humanitarian once everyone uses an indoor voice.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.