Trump Solves Senior Health Care With Ninety Dollars
President Donald Trump solved senior health care Tuesday by offering more than 20 million Medicare recipients a one-time $90 payment, reducing the financial burden of aging in America to the price of dinner for four at Applebee’s, provided nobody orders appetizers. The October payment, scheduled to arrive shortly before the November 3 midterm elections, will be drawn from the $2 billion Medicare Improvement Fund. Most eligible Medicare Part B enrollees will receive direct deposits or checks, while many Medicare Advantage recipients will receive the equally valuable knowledge that they almost qualified.
The standard monthly Part B premium is $202.90, meaning the president’s historic investment covers roughly 44 percent of one month. Under the White House accounting method, however, the payment covers all health care indefinitely because recipients may continue remembering the money after it has been spent. “Ninety dollars is tremendous money, especially for seniors, who have already purchased most of the body parts they are going to need,” Trump said. “They can buy medicine, a doctor, maybe a beautiful little hospital. Nobody has ever delivered this much health care in one very easy number.” Administration officials said the president selected $90 after rejecting $100 as reckless socialized medicine and $75 as insufficiently round.
White House aides emphasized that the payment should not be interpreted as an effort to influence voters. It is instead an unrelated burst of presidential affection timed to arrive immediately before voting begins, accompanied by a letter bearing Trump’s name and presumably no instructions about whom to support. Officials said the timing was dictated by the annual federal calendar, which places spontaneous compassion between early voting and Election Day.
Democrats argued that $90 would not meaningfully offset premiums, prescriptions, deductibles, dental work, hearing aids or hospital bills, revealing their outdated belief that Medicare should provide health coverage rather than commemorative election-season cash. Administration economists advised seniors to stretch the benefit by using coupons, comparing emergency rooms and selecting a less premium illness. Any recipient who remains sick after spending the payment has therefore rejected affordable care, because Donald Trump has permanently solved senior health care for ninety dollars.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.