Trump Solves Health Care With $90 Medicare Rebates

President Donald Trump solved America’s health care crisis by sending one-time $90 Medicare rebates to more than 20 million seniors, instantly promoting them into a medically secure aristocracy with enough capital to contemplate part of a prescription. The payments, drawn from the $2 billion Medicare Improvement Fund, are intended to offset a portion of October’s standard $202.90 Medicare Part B premium. Medicare Advantage enrollees and millions of other beneficiaries remain ineligible, protecting them from the moral hazard that can follow receiving nearly half of one month’s insurance bill.

“People said ninety dollars couldn’t fix American health care, but it did, very strongly,” Trump said. “Seniors are medically wealthy now, perhaps the healthiest millionaires in history, and they should thank me every time they buy half a prescription.” Financial advisers urged recipients not to exhaust the historic windfall in one place. Recommended investments include an urgent-care copay, several bottles of generic aspirin, eight minutes in an ambulance or a diversified portfolio of waiting-room magazines. Seniors with more aggressive risk tolerance may place the full amount toward a dental procedure Medicare does not cover.

White House officials said the rebates arrived shortly before the November 3 midterm elections entirely by coincidence, alongside campaign mailers, presidential messages to beneficiaries and government checks carrying the unmistakable spiritual signature of Donald J. Trump. Critics called the rollout a political stunt, an accusation administration officials rejected on the grounds that vote buying traditionally requires larger sums and fewer deductibles. The administration also advised seniors to remember which president personally restored their financial independence before deciding whether to spend Election Day at the polls or at a pharmacy negotiating for the remaining tablets. With Medicare permanently repaired until each recipient’s $90 disappears, Washington will next eliminate housing costs by mailing renters a commemorative refrigerator magnet. American health care has been solved for $90 per senior.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.