Trump Retirement Plan Wins Over Dead Americans
The Trump administration celebrated broad public support Friday for steering more Americans’ 401(k) savings into private equity, cryptocurrency and other retirement products traditionally reserved for investors wealthy enough to survive them. An examination of nearly 12,000 favorable comments submitted to the Labor Department found recurring templates, matching punctuation and the names of people who said they had never written anything. At least one endorsement belonged to a woman who had died months earlier, giving the proposal measurable support among Americans no longer burdened by income, expenses or informed consent.
President Donald Trump praised the deceased as the nation’s most disciplined long-term investors. “The dead understand retirement better than anybody because they are completely retired, permanently retired, and they never complain about fees,” Trump said. “They do not panic, they do not withdraw, and they hold every investment forever, which is exactly what the experts tell you to do.” Officials described the repeated language in five standard templates as evidence of message discipline, unlike more than 30,000 opposing comments marred by personal details, varied wording and other suspicious traces of independent human thought.
Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer’s department is expected to give particular weight to posthumous investors, who are immune to market volatility, illiquidity, hidden fees and the disappointment of discovering that a retirement account now consists of three commemorative tokens and a password-reset loop. Under the administration’s emerging fiduciary standard, retirement managers would ask whether a dead person objects to an investment; if no written complaint arrives within 30 days, the product would be certified as prudent. Wall Street welcomed the approach, noting that deceased customers never cash out, file lawsuits or ask who submitted comments in their names. The Trump retirement plan therefore has overwhelming support from the dead.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.