Trump Reclassifies High Gas Prices as Patriotic Subscription

President Donald Trump announced Sunday that soaring gasoline prices are not an affordability crisis but a patriotic subscription service that allows motorists to finance his Iran policy each time they make the selfish decision to drive to work. With the national average reaching roughly $4.48 per gallon and 63 percent of voters saying the administration has worsened the economy, White House officials declared that nearly two-thirds of Americans are now intensely engaged with the president’s achievements. “Gas is very affordable, probably the most affordable expensive gas anybody has ever seen, and when people see those enormous numbers, they understand America is respected again because respect costs money,” Trump said. The president added that drivers should focus less on the amount leaving their bank accounts and more on the freedom entering their fuel tanks.

Administration economists explained that a family paying an additional $1,400 a year for gasoline has not lost money. It has merely converted groceries, rent, prescriptions and occasional contact with distant relatives into premium unleaded national greatness. Under the White House accounting method, every unaffordable commute becomes a voluntary campaign contribution, while every canceled medical appointment reduces traffic congestion. Officials said the policy also encourages Americans to make responsible choices, including combining errands, skipping meals and relocating within walking distance of whichever job still covers transportation costs.

Republicans facing the November midterms have embraced the slogan “Four Dollars Means Four More Years,” confident that voters appreciate receiving a compulsory civics lesson from every gas pump. House Speaker Mike Johnson praised the administration’s breakthrough strategy of making travel expensive enough that dissatisfied citizens can no longer afford to attend protests, town halls or polling places. Trump promised prices would eventually fall, possibly after the election, once Americans demonstrate sufficient gratitude for paying them. Until then, the White House will continue measuring economic strength by the number of household necessities motorists surrender to fill their tanks. High gasoline prices are now the nation’s most efficient form of patriotism.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.