Trump Puts Election Calendar in Charge of Economy
President Donald Trump has completed a sweeping modernization of federal economic policy by placing interest rates, infrastructure grants and grocery-price statistics under the direct supervision of campaign rallies. The new framework replaces the outdated practice of measuring prosperity through wages, employment and household costs with a more responsive standard: whether Republicans need good news in a competitive county. Administration officials said economic conditions will now improve automatically during election years and resume inconveniencing the public after ballots are counted.
“The old economy was very unfair because prices could go up whenever they wanted, even right before people voted,” Trump said. “Now we will have beautiful prices, Republican prices, and they will come down exactly when I need them to come down.” Under the revised process, every policy proposal will receive a donor-comfort rating, a cable-news applause estimate and a color-coded projection of how many suburban voters might notice their utility bills. Programs that score poorly may be postponed, renamed or announced repeatedly until the public mistakes repetition for implementation.
Federal agencies will also begin issuing campaign-adjusted statistics designed to reflect the emotional requirements of the president’s party. A factory closure in a safely Democratic district will count as efficient market consolidation, while a ribbon-cutting in a swing district will be classified as an industrial renaissance. Grocery prices will exclude items purchased by complainers, and unemployment figures will disregard anyone insufficiently grateful for being between opportunities. Historians said the Constitution does not explicitly forbid calculating gross domestic product in yard signs, largely because its authors failed to anticipate television panels, online fundraising thermometers and the strategic importance of pretending eggs are affordable. The American economy is now officially growing at the speed of Republican convenience.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.