Trump Plans To Defeat China With State Dinner

President Donald Trump is preparing to secure total victory over China by personally greeting Xi Jinping at Joint Base Andrews, escorting him to the White House, arranging ceremonial honors and serving him an expensive dinner at which the United States will demonstrate its unmatched ability to provide china to China. The visit will include discussions of trade, artificial intelligence, rare earth minerals and fentanyl, though administration officials said those issues are secondary to the strategic value of giving Xi better food, transportation and presidential access than most members of Congress receive.

Trump described the hospitality campaign as the most aggressive use of place settings in American history. “Nobody has ever beaten China with hospitality like this, and President Xi will see the beautiful soldiers, the tremendous food and the greatest documents ever written,” Trump said. “He’ll look at the dessert spoon and say, ‘Sir, we cannot compete with this level of winning.’” Supporters said Trump’s decision to meet Xi’s plane would project dominance through an advanced diplomatic maneuver in which the winner waits beside the runway for the loser to arrive.

First lady Melania Trump and Peng Liyuan are also expected to participate, giving the two superpowers an opportunity to settle decades of economic rivalry through small talk, formal photographs and napkins folded with military precision. White House aides said each courtesy extended to Xi would leave Beijing increasingly humiliated, particularly the limousine ride, the red carpet and the dinner held entirely in his honor. The Pentagon has not disclosed whether coffee service will be classified as a show of force.

The visit is expected to conclude with a tour of the National Archives, where Trump will display the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and other evidence that the United States remains fiercely sovereign while personally chauffeuring its principal geopolitical competitor through Washington. Officials said Xi would then return home burdened by gifts, photographs and the devastating knowledge that America had paid for dinner. China will have no choice but to concede defeat.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.