Trump Modernizes Navy Backward
President Donald Trump ordered the Navy to prepare for the future by returning its newest aircraft carrier to technology associated with the Eisenhower administration. An Aug. 13 memorandum directs Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to develop a plan for replacing electromagnetic aircraft launch systems with steam catapults aboard the USS Doris Miller, where the newer equipment is already part of the design. White House officials described the reversal as a procurement breakthrough because completing an advanced system before removing it would deny taxpayers the opportunity to purchase both systems at maximum cost.
Steam catapults require more personnel, occupy more space and demand more maintenance, advantages the administration classified as fiscal conservatism with visible plumbing. “Magnets are very sneaky, nobody understands them, maybe a few scientists, but steam you can see,” Trump said. “It makes tremendous clouds, very powerful clouds, and every sailor gets a job standing near a valve, sometimes two jobs if the first valve breaks. That is real efficiency.” Hegseth endorsed the initiative as a firm rejection of woke electricity, which has circulated through American ships for decades without saluting the flag or appearing in a recruitment commercial.
Administration officials said electromagnetic launch systems were particularly objectionable because they require fewer sailors and less routine maintenance, depriving service members of the character-building experience of repairing extra machinery in cramped compartments. The memorandum also criticized the Navy’s long habit of changing ship designs during construction while ordering an enormous design change during construction, establishing a new standard under which government waste is eliminated by renaming it presidential preference. Additional modernization proposals include replacing digital navigation displays with patriotic binoculars, requiring engine-room instructions to be printed on steakhouse menus and evaluating every new component by whether Trump can explain it during a golf-cart ride. By making the Navy costlier, slower and harder to operate, the United States now leads the world in naval technology by moving backward faster than anyone else.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.