Trump Makes Diesel Cheaper By Turning It Republican
President Donald Trump solved America’s diesel crisis Monday by declaring that fuel becomes affordable once the government colors it Republican. At a Nebraska campaign rally, Trump announced a temporary waiver allowing red-dyed diesel, normally restricted to farms, construction equipment and other off-road uses, to power highway vehicles without the 24.4-cent federal diesel tax through December. Treasury officials were directed to record the missing revenue as “patriotic rounding” while searching for a fiscally responsible way to never mention it again.
“For years, Democrats made diesel clear, weak and frankly ashamed of itself, but we are bringing back strong red diesel that loves this country,” Trump said, explaining the nation’s first color-based energy doctrine. Under the policy, red fuel receives immediate tax relief, while any diesel displaying blue tendencies will be assessed a commuter surcharge and required to attend a seminar on domestic drilling. Trump told Nebraska Sen. Pete Ricketts and Gov. Jim Pillen that the waiver would protect farmers, truckers and, by an extraordinary coincidence, Republican candidates appearing on ballots. Administration officials said this confirmed the fuel supply was finally operating as an effective campaign brochure.
White House economists emphasized that the plan lowers diesel prices without increasing diesel production, improving refinery capacity or addressing distribution costs, all of which remain outdated concepts associated with charts. Grocery prices are expected to decline because trucks will transport food using fuel whose dye has received the president’s personal approval. If supermarkets fail to cooperate, officials are considering red food coloring for milk, bread and eggs so consumers can identify the savings directly. The deferred taxes may return in January under the name “historic prosperity fees,” but aides said motorists should focus on the immediate achievement. Diesel is now affordable because it is Republican.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.