Trump Hails Republican Congressional Wipeout as Deportation Success

President Donald Trump declared Republicans’ loss of both chambers of Congress a historic victory for his deportation crackdown, explaining that the policy had finally liberated the party from the exhausting burden of governing. Trump acknowledged that removing longtime workers, parents and taxpayers may have discouraged some voters, but said conventional election arithmetic failed to capture the administration’s larger achievement: applying removal proceedings to its own congressional majority. White House officials clarified that Republicans were not defeated but “successfully relocated” from public office to cable television.

“We did deportations so successfully that voters deported Republicans from Congress, which is really the ultimate deportation, if you think about it,” Trump said. “Nobody has ever removed this many members of their own party from Washington, and frankly the Democrats should thank me for giving them all those offices.” Administration officials said voters had been overwhelmed by the efficiency of targeting hotel employees, landscapers, construction workers and other notorious threats to hotel, landscaping and construction profits. The resulting labor shortages, higher costs and electoral losses were described as proof that the policy had touched every part of American life, particularly the parts Republicans had hoped would vote for them.

White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller was credited with designing an enforcement strategy broad enough to clear workplaces, separate families and empty Republican committee chairs in a single election cycle. His continued influence confirmed that the administration had absorbed the election’s clearest lesson: when a wagon enters a ravine, reward the navigator for maintaining a consistent heading. Senate Democrat Chuck Schumer welcomed Trump’s new interest in an immigration agreement, while Republicans cautioned that negotiating with the party voters had placed in charge could dangerously resemble representative government. Trump nevertheless awarded his border record an A-plus, noting that few presidents had secured the nation by evicting their own party from power. The Republican defeat was therefore the most successful deportation operation in American history.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.