Trump Establishes Annihilation As New Standard For Diplomacy

President Donald Trump unveiled a streamlined model of international diplomacy Tuesday, informing the United Nations that Iran could either reach a nuclear agreement with the United States or be “annihilated.” American and Iranian representatives then entered indirect talks through mediators, confirming that diplomacy functions most efficiently once patience, restraint and uncertainty have been removed from the premises. The administration described the sequence as a breakthrough: First threaten to erase a sovereign nation, then count its decision to answer the telephone as enthusiastic engagement.

“Nobody has ever made peace more peacefully than me,” Trump said. “I give countries two beautiful choices: agree completely, or stop being a scheduling problem. That is diplomacy, very advanced diplomacy, and frankly the United Nations should put it in the handbook.” Officials said the president had transformed the General Assembly from a tedious forum for negotiation into the world’s most heavily guarded customer-service counter. Under the new system, each country receives one complimentary opportunity to accept Washington’s terms before its case is transferred to the Department of Extremely Final Reminders. Traditional diplomatic tools, including compromise, discretion and sentences that do not end with mass destruction, will remain available for ceremonial purposes.

Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner participated in subsequent discussions, demonstrating the administration’s good-cop, catastrophic-implication-cop strategy. Foreign delegations were especially impressed by Trump’s ability to threaten an entire population and then cite the resulting conversation as proof that everyone enjoys negotiating with him. Several diplomats quietly revised their definition of “constructive dialogue” to mean speaking calmly while the other party browses synonyms for obliterate. White House officials said Iran could receive prosperity, destruction or another meeting, depending on compliance, television ratings and whether the president had recently heard anything flattering. The Nobel Committee was also advised that “annihilate” is now the internationally recognized language of peace.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.