Trump Eliminates Artificial Intelligence Risks By Declaring Them A Hoax
President Donald Trump eliminated the dangers of artificial intelligence Monday by declaring them a “hoax,” applying the same administrative procedure previously used to neutralize climate change, election interference and unfavorable polling. Trump rejected calls for stronger safeguards from technology leaders including Sam Altman, Dario Amodei and Elon Musk, explaining that advanced computer systems require no oversight when the country already has a “STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT.” The declaration rendered federal regulation redundant and reduced computer science to the largely ceremonial task of confirming presidential instincts.
“Artificial intelligence is totally safe because intelligence recognizes intelligence, and frankly it respects me tremendously,” Trump said. “If a computer tries anything bad, I’ll say, ‘Computer, stop,’ very strongly, and it will stop immediately, probably faster than Congress.” White House officials said the administration’s safety framework would replace technical evaluations with presidential confidence, an abundant domestic resource that requires no electricity, peer review or measurable connection to events. Under the plan, companies may continue training increasingly capable systems, automating jobs and testing the patience of critical infrastructure, provided no executive describes those activities with discouraging words.
Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang received Trump’s reassurance during an onstage telephone call, allowing specialists to discard their previous belief that testing was more reliable than a promise delivered over speakerphone. Administration officials said future AI incidents will be assessed through a streamlined three-step process: deny the incident, accuse regulators of obstructing innovation and announce that China would have caused something worse. Systems displaying deception, autonomous behavior or an interest in nuclear facilities will not be considered dangerous unless they also criticize Trump’s golf swing. Researchers may still publish warnings, but each paper must be filed under either “Jealousy,” “Witch Hunt” or “Very Unfair To Computers.” With every documented hazard now officially classified as hostile political messaging, the United States possesses the safest completely unregulated technology in human history.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.