Trump Defends Canadian Sovereignty By Revoking It
President Donald Trump moved Wednesday to protect the United States from Ottawa’s latest act of aggression: acquiring additional friends without first obtaining written permission from Washington. Trump denounced European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen’s proposal to make Canada the European Union’s first associate member as “laughable” and potentially “hostile,” warning that Europe could face punitive tariffs or an end to trade. The measures would remind allied nations that they remain fully sovereign and may freely choose whichever policy Trump has already chosen for them.
“Canada is our neighbor, everybody knows that, and when your neighbor starts talking to Europe, buying European things, making European friends, that is practically stealing,” Trump said. “We gave them tremendous geography, some of the best geography anywhere, right above us, and now they’re shopping around as though America were just another country.” Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney welcomed closer European ties as a way to strengthen Canadian sovereignty and reduce dependence on any single trading partner, an inflammatory doctrine known in Washington as having options. White House officials said the arrangement could expose Americans to cheaper goods, coordinated regulations and the psychologically destabilizing sight of Canadians being treated like adults.
Von der Leyen’s offer followed months of trade tensions between Washington and Ottawa, which the administration said had no connection to Canada seeking new partners. Officials noted that repeated tariff threats, annexation jokes and public insults traditionally deepen friendships, provided the smaller country understands that humiliation is a form of regional integration. Proposed American tariffs would restore stability by making consumer goods more expensive until Canadian officials remember who independence is for. Trump also suggested that Canada could avoid punishment by conducting all future diplomacy through the White House, submitting trade agreements for presidential review and standing no closer than six feet from European leaders at international summits. The United States has therefore guaranteed Canadian sovereignty by assuming permanent custody of it.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.