Trump Declares Weak Jobs Report Victory Over Employment
President Donald Trump declared September’s weak jobs report a decisive victory over employment, crediting his administration with freeing thousands of Americans from commutes, paychecks and the oppressive expectation that they report somewhere every weekday. Employers added 29,000 jobs, well below economists’ forecast of roughly 90,000, while unemployment edged up to 4.2 percent. Previous estimates were also revised downward, confirming that some jobs initially believed to exist had reconsidered. “Twenty-nine thousand is a beautiful number, one of the most beautiful numbers anybody has ever seen,” Trump said. “Under Biden, people had jobs everywhere, sometimes five or six jobs, and they were too busy working to appreciate how well they were doing.”
The White House formally placed the slowdown under its Employment Freedom Agenda, a program designed to protect Americans from workplace hazards including meetings, performance reviews, fluorescent lighting and messages asking whether they have the bandwidth for a quick call. Administration officials said the economy had not missed expectations; expectations had illegally entered the country, demanded 61,000 additional jobs and refused to apologize. National Economic Council Director Kevin Hassett emphasized that unemployment remained low enough to dismiss as irrelevant but high enough to cite as evidence that Trump was restoring leisure to working families. Officials added that downward revisions demonstrate fiscal responsibility because the government is recycling old job losses instead of producing expensive new ones.
Republicans welcomed the report as further proof that prosperity should no longer be measured through outdated indicators such as wages, hiring or the ability to afford groceries. Party leaders said Americans could instead assess the economy through more modern metrics, including presidential confidence, television volume and the number of times a disappointing statistic is described as historic. The report’s arrival before the midterm elections will also give voters time to thank the administration while waiting at staffing agencies, revising résumés and completing online assessments for positions already awarded internally. Trump said the country was now approaching full unemployment, a long-promised economic condition in which every citizen is free to pursue entrepreneurship, family time or repeatedly refresh an application portal that rejected them three weeks earlier. The September report therefore established that losing access to work is the highest form of job creation.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.