Trump Declares Inflation Proof Americans Have Too Much Money

President Donald Trump declared Tuesday that hotter-than-expected October inflation proved Americans had become dangerously wealthy and required immediate relief from affordable groceries. Consumer prices rose 0.4% during the month, while core inflation increased 0.3% for a third consecutive month, prompting the administration to celebrate what it called the strongest evidence yet that household budgets contain far too much unused breathing room. “This is tremendous inflation, really premium inflation, because prices only go up when everybody has too much money,” Trump said. “Nobody had groceries this expensive before I came back, and families should thank me when they see the total because a bigger number means a bigger economy.”

Federal Reserve officials were consequently expected to consider raising interest rates, ensuring that Americans inconvenienced by expensive food could also enjoy more expensive mortgages, car loans and credit card balances. Fed Governor Christopher Waller’s focus on persistent core inflation was welcomed by the White House as a responsible commitment to treating every symptom at once. Under the administration’s economic plan, households will build financial strength by repeatedly lifting heavier monthly bills until their checking accounts achieve complete muscle failure. Officials said consumers who cannot afford eggs should consider refinancing their homes, while renters can obtain similar benefits by imagining they own one.

Wall Street marked the achievement by pushing Treasury yields higher, signaling that investors remain eager to charge the public additional money for the privilege of needing money. Administration economists said the combination of rising prices and rising borrowing costs would prevent prosperity from becoming complacent, particularly among families still displaying reckless luxuries such as dental appointments, fresh produce and electricity in multiple rooms. Any resulting recession will be classified as negative growth, while layoffs will provide workers with valuable weekday hours to compare supermarket prices and study the economy from outside it. The October figures therefore confirmed that Americans are wealthier precisely because they can afford less.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.