Trump Declares Higher Power Bills Essential To American Prosperity
President Donald Trump defended the nation’s booming data-center industry Monday from its most dangerous competitor: Americans who expect affordable electricity. Trump said communities resisting enormous server facilities risk becoming “backwards and poor,” dismissing bipartisan concerns about utility rates, industrial noise, water use and the continued presence of residential neighborhoods near people’s homes. The president explained that rising power bills are not costs but patriotic certificates proving that electricity has finally become a luxury product.
“People complain that their electric bill went up, but that means the electricity is becoming more valuable, very premium electricity, probably the finest electricity anywhere,” Trump said. “Nobody had expensive electricity before me because, frankly, nobody respected it, and now every family can look at that bill and know America is winning.” The remarks clarified the administration’s economic doctrine that anything becoming less affordable is merely gaining prestige, a principle already successfully applied to housing, health care, groceries and attending a baseball game without refinancing a vehicle.
Opposition has united Republicans, Democrats and MAGA voters around the radical proposition that giant technology companies should finance the infrastructure giant technology companies require. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has criticized data-center developers, while Sen. Bernie Sanders and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have advocated restrictions, creating an extremist alliance stretching from democratic socialists to Texans who believe air conditioning should remain available to civilians. Trump warned that China “could not be happier” about the resistance, confirming that Beijing’s strategic conquest of the United States now depends on county zoning hearings attended by retirees holding printed copies of their utility bills.
Administration officials said data centers create thousands of jobs, provided the federal definition of employment includes temporary construction work, guarding windowless server warehouses and explaining why a refrigerator now requires its own financing department. The White House’s ratepayer-protection plan will remain voluntary, allowing technology companies to promise they will not shift costs onto households with the same legal force Americans use when promising to begin exercising next Monday. Residents were advised to welcome progress quietly over the patriotic hum of 40,000 cooling fans, because every unaffordable electric bill is now official proof that America has become prosperous.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.