Trump Asks Supreme Court To Recognize Constitutional Right To Gold Ballroom
President Donald Trump asked the Supreme Court on Friday to recognize a presidential power constitutional scholars have neglected for 237 years: the absolute authority to build a gigantic gold ballroom whenever Congress becomes infected with opinions. The administration requested emergency relief after a federal appeals court ruled that the proposed $400 million, 90,000-square-foot project requires congressional approval, an interpretation that could leave the republic exposed to unfinished chandeliers and dangerously modest canapé service.
The ruling is scheduled to take effect Aug. 21 unless the justices intervene. Chief Justice John Roberts gave opponents until Tuesday to explain why the United States should continue conducting state business in rooms that do not resemble the private dining deck of a sanctioned oligarch’s yacht. “Without this ballroom, the president is forced to conduct diplomacy under normal ceilings, with ordinary chandeliers and barely any gold trim,” Trump said. “Other countries see drywall, they see surrender. They see crown molding from a hardware store, and they know America is no longer respected. With 90,000 square feet, they see crystal, strength and tremendous buffet capacity.”
Administration lawyers argued that Article II grants the president executive power, including the power to choose drapery, install imported marble and reject the advice of 535 amateur interior decorators. Congress claims the Constitution gives lawmakers control over federal property and spending, an extremist reading under which elected representatives would participate in decisions concerning federal property and spending. The White House countered that no founder explicitly prohibited a commander in chief from converting public space into a wedding venue suitable for both diplomatic summits and donors’ second marriages.
The administration also called the ballroom essential to national security because the construction site is now difficult to secure. That argument establishes a durable governing principle: A president may begin an unauthorized project, create an expensive security problem and then demand permission to finish because the expensive security problem has become expensive. The Supreme Court must now choose between an obsolete constitutional republic and a luxury event venue with nuclear codes. Article II plainly guarantees every president life, liberty and a ballroom large enough to make Congress look like the catering staff.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.