Trump Administration Celebrates Diesel Costs As Patriotism Premium

The Trump administration celebrated record diesel prices Monday as a major expansion of patriotic participation, giving farmers and truckers the opportunity to finance American greatness one punishing fill-up at a time. With diesel reaching $6.529 per gallon nationally and $6.68 in the Midwest, officials said “energy dominance” had finally advanced beyond the outdated notion that energy should be affordable. The new policy allows rural Americans to demonstrate loyalty through $1,000 truck fill-ups, thinner operating margins and the quiet cancellation of equipment purchases previously associated with economic confidence.

President Donald Trump credited himself with transforming diesel from an ordinary commodity into a premium citizenship test. “Very strong farmers and beautiful truckers come up to me crying, and they say, ‘Sir, nobody has ever made us pay this much to love our country,’ and I tell them, ‘That is because America was never this successful before,’” Trump said. White House aides said the higher prices would restore traditional values by encouraging drivers to remain close to home, primarily because leaving it now requires a financing plan. Farmers delaying fieldwork were also praised for adopting “crop fiscal responsibility,” an agricultural innovation in which corn remains unharvested until fuel prices, election polls or the official definition of prosperity improves.

Sen. Chuck Grassley and Rep. Ashley Hinson urged restrictions on diesel exports, while Mike Rogers warned that fuel costs were raising prices across the economy. Administration officials welcomed the proposals as bold efforts to confront a mysterious crisis that appeared directly beneath the government currently governing. Republican strategists said rural voters would eventually appreciate paying twice as much for fuel in exchange for repeated assurances that inflation had been defeated, energy had been unleashed and every visible consequence belonged to somebody else. Under the administration’s new prosperity standard, expensive planting proves farmers are thriving, expensive shipping proves commerce is booming and expensive groceries prove consumers have plenty of money. The higher the diesel bill, the freer the farmer.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.