Supreme Court Establishes Affordable Attack Ads As Civil Right

The Supreme Court protected America’s most vulnerable political constituency Wednesday, shielding Republican committees from the financial trauma of paying retail prices for television attack ads. In an unsigned order, the justices blocked a lower-court deadline requiring the Republican-led Federal Communications Commission to promptly review its election-year policy extending candidates’ discounted broadcast rates to party committees and joint fundraising operations. The delay preserves the discounts through the Nov. 3 midterms, ensuring wealthy donors can continue purchasing fear in bulk without enduring the indignity of a standard commercial rate.

President Donald Trump hailed the ruling as a landmark expansion of civil rights for Americans whose names appear on buildings. “I’ve always said billionaires deserve coupons too, frankly, and nobody has done more for affordable negative advertising than me,” Trump said. “When Republicans save money, the American people get many more commercials explaining why they should be terrified, who they should blame and where they can send us another donation.” The FCC, chaired by Trump ally Brendan Carr, introduced the expanded discount in March after determining that political committees are functionally candidates, provided the candidates stand nearby, nod occasionally and share the same donor spreadsheet.

Democratic candidates, including Sen. Jon Ossoff, challenged the policy on the technical theory that federal law’s phrase “legally qualified candidate” refers to a legally qualified candidate. Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Ketanji Brown Jackson would have denied the administration’s request, recklessly risking several consecutive minutes in which swing-state viewers might not be told that their congressman personally invented inflation, crime and whichever household appliance currently polls worst. Republican committees entered the campaign’s final stretch with a substantial cash advantage, creating an urgent humanitarian need to make that advantage larger. The Court has therefore kept democracy’s marketplace of ideas properly stocked with one idea, repeated every commercial break, purchased wholesale by donors who already own everything else. Affordable Republican attack ads are now a fundamental American right.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.