Senate Declares Election Losses Proof of Leadership

Senate leaders celebrated the midterm results Monday by unveiling Washington’s most advanced accountability system yet: reward the loser, investigate the winner and prevent voters from interfering with management decisions. Republicans, after shedding roughly a quarter of their conference through defeats and retirements, prepared to reelect John Thune as proof that consequences remain a private-sector concept. Sens. Dave McCormick, Mike Lee and Ron Johnson urged colleagues to delay the leadership vote long enough to determine whether the losses resulted from Thune’s strategy, inadequate loyalty to Donald Trump or a coordinated outbreak of citizens selecting the wrong candidates.

Trump praised the result as an efficient reduction in workplace negativity. “John had a tremendous election, really tremendous, because losing senators means fewer complainers, fewer chairs and much faster meetings, which is honestly what winning has always meant,” Trump said, introducing an accounting method expected to eliminate the federal deficit by declaring subtraction a form of growth. Republican officials agreed that voters had delivered a clear mandate for the party to continue doing everything that had just been rejected, only with stronger television lighting.

Democrats responded to capturing a potential 56-seat majority by examining whether Chuck Schumer should remain leader, because electoral success is traditionally treated as evidence of concealed incompetence. Chris Van Hollen considered a challenge as colleagues demanded “new energy,” the Senate term for replacing a victorious septuagenarian with a slightly younger septuagenarian who uses Signal and owns sneakers. Schumer’s role in recruiting candidates and steering the party to historic gains was entered into evidence against him, alongside the aggravating circumstance that the gains were measurable.

Thune and Schumer were nevertheless expected to survive secret-ballot elections, preserving the chamber’s sacred process of producing anonymous threats, breathless leaks and precisely the same leadership. Senators thanked Americans for participating and promised that every ballot would be carefully reviewed before its meaning was reassigned by the appropriate committee. Under the Senate’s revised doctrine, defeat confirmed Republican competence, victory exposed Democratic failure, and the voters had unanimously endorsed being ignored.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.