RNC Lawsuits Will Replace Voting In Midterms

Republicans launched roughly 200 election-related lawsuits ahead of the midterms Friday, relieving Americans of the increasingly ceremonial burden of deciding elections by voting. The Republican National Committee’s nationwide democracy-efficiency program includes efforts to tighten voter-identification rules in Montana, reduce ballot drop-off locations in Georgia, scrutinize voter lists in New Jersey and Delaware, and expand access for Republican election observers anywhere a Democrat might attempt to participate. White House officials are receiving regular updates on the litigation, preserving the traditional separation between elections and presidential power by keeping both inside the same group chat.

RNC Chairman Joe Gruters described the operation as a defense of election integrity, the condition in which every eligible Republican ballot is counted and every other ballot undergoes a background check, a handwriting analysis and several months of appellate review. Critics have argued that elections should be conducted under established law rather than rebuilt inside 200 courtrooms by attorneys billing in six-minute increments. Party officials dismissed that complaint as an antiquated preference for “voter rule,” a disorderly system in which citizens can unexpectedly select candidates without first consulting a federal judge. Ken Cuccinelli, chair of the Heritage Foundation’s Election Transparency Initiative, has said Republicans intensified election litigation after 2020, when the party discovered that waiting until ballots are counted leaves dangerously little time to object to the result.

President Donald Trump praised the legal campaign as the most significant advance in representative government since his supporters learned that “certification” was not merely a setting on office printers. “We have the finest lawsuits, probably the most lawsuits anybody has ever seen, and when you have enough lawsuits, frankly, you don’t need all these confusing voters,” Trump said. “Judges understand elections much better because they wear robes, they sit very high, and nobody has ever seen a ballot box sit that high.” Under the RNC plan, Election Day will be replaced by Election Fiscal Quarter, during which citizens may express their preferences by donating to legal-retainer accounts and watching attorneys debate registration forms. Judges will then select whichever interpretation most closely reflects the Founders’ original design of government of the litigants, by the litigants and for the party that filed first. The midterms will therefore be decided by voters only if the courts run out of Republicans.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.