Republicans Rescue Socialism From Socialists
Republicans have rescued socialism from its oldest defect: socialists controlling the money. Enough Promises Ohio, a super PAC connected through vendors to Donald Trump’s political network, spent nearly $400,000 promoting a socialist Senate candidate whose campaign raised roughly $80,000. Mailers urged Ohioans to “Join the Revolution,” confirming that every authentic workers’ uprising requires wealthy patrons, professional consultants and a South Carolina direct-mail contractor. The candidate denounced the support as an attempt to siphon votes from Democrat Sherrod Brown, apparently overlooking capitalism’s right to acquire him as an electoral product without his consent.
Trump praised the arrangement as a breakthrough in ideological sabotage and bulk advertising. “Nobody has ever funded socialism better than Republicans, believe me,” Trump said. “The socialists are terrible at money, so we’re giving them tremendous money to defeat socialism, and everybody says it’s genius.” Republican strategists agreed that the safest way to prevent Ohio from electing a socialist is to finance one, enlarge his audience and circulate his platform more effectively than his own supporters ever could.
The investment updates a conservative tradition previously limited to calling Brown a socialist. Ohio voters may now select from several professionally packaged varieties, including the alleged socialism Republicans condemn and the sponsored socialism Republicans purchased. Supporters of Sen. Jon Husted are defending capitalism through its purest mechanism: wealthy political organizations buying a rival ideology, adding postage and placing it beside the preferred candidate shortly before Election Day.
The project also settles complaints that Republicans oppose proposals such as a $30 minimum wage. They plainly support spending hundreds of thousands of dollars advertising the idea, provided it appears under someone else’s name and helps elect a politician who rejects it. The socialist candidate’s refusal to accept super PAC money presents no difficulty, because modern conservative generosity does not require cooperation from the beneficiary. Ohio has therefore proved that socialism works perfectly when Republican donors finance it, Republican consultants distribute it and Republicans collect the electoral proceeds.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.