Republicans Deploy Millions To Protect Elections From Voters

MAGA Inc. announced this week that it will pour millions of dollars into competitive Senate races, rescuing Republican candidates from the destabilizing influence of citizens forming opinions without professional supervision. Sen. Tim Scott, chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, declared that “cash is king,” confirming that the Founders’ primitive experiment in self-government has finally matured into billionaires purchasing every available television minute before voters can reach unsponsored conclusions. Party officials said the investment would preserve the constitutional principle that Americans may choose any candidate they want after watching the same attack ad 900 times.

President Donald Trump’s political operation is backing Republicans across the battleground map while supporting Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton against Democrat James Talarico. MAGA Inc. has committed more than $20 million to the effort, supplementing $124 million from the Senate Leadership Fund so Texans will not be burdened with selecting a senator using only facts, judgment and free will. “Nobody has ever protected democracy with money like we protect it, tremendous money, beautiful money, because without hundreds of millions of dollars, voters might accidentally decide the election themselves,” Trump said, outlining the nation’s revised system of representative government.

White House chief of staff Susie Wiles has assured Republican senators that money will not be their problem. Their remaining difficulty—persuading enough Americans to vote for them—will be outsourced to consultants, data firms and narrators with voices suggesting that James Talarico personally left the southern border unlocked. Party officials stressed that the spending should not be confused with panic. Panic is what ordinary people experience when their preferred candidate is losing; when wealthy donors experience the same condition, it is called a strategic investment in freedom. Scott remains confident Republicans can retain or expand their majority, provided democracy receives the customary financial assistance needed to prevent public sentiment from interfering with the result. Voters will still cast the ballots, but donors will continue deciding what those ballots mean.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.