Republicans Defend Taxpayers’ Right To Upgrade Trump’s Free Qatari Jet

Senate Republicans defended America’s most sacred constitutional principle Wednesday: When a foreign monarchy gives the president a $400 million luxury jet, taxpayers must remain free to spend whatever is necessary to make the complimentary aircraft only slightly less complimentary. Sen. Deb Fischer blocked Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s unanimous-consent effort to halt further Pentagon spending on Donald Trump’s Qatari-provided Boeing 747-8, preserving the nation’s long tradition of fiscal restraint through unlimited luxury-aircraft renovations.

The jet arrived equipped with lavish furnishings, custom finishes and several hundred million dollars’ worth of gratitude toward Qatar, but still required extensive security and communications modifications associated with keeping a president alive. Fischer said Schumer’s broadly written proposal could also interfere with work on Korean Air planes intended for presidential emergency transportation, conclusively establishing that restricting spending on one foreign gift would cause every unrelated American aircraft to lose its constitutional rights. Republicans noted that Congress could not responsibly examine the jet’s costs because doing so might reveal them.

Trump praised the decision as a victory for both national security and the advanced mathematics of accepting presents. “It’s a tremendous plane, probably the greatest free plane in history, and when somebody gives you something for nothing, you spend a billion dollars making it yours,” Trump said. “That’s called saving money, and frankly almost nobody understands it.” GOP officials explained that accepting an extravagant gift from a foreign government and billing Americans for the alterations represents fiscal conservatism in its purest form: massive public spending with the original price tag discreetly tucked beneath a gold-plated seat belt.

Schumer cited ethical, financial and security concerns, objections Republicans dismissed as partisan distractions from the aircraft’s central mission. The plane will demonstrate that the United States cannot be influenced by foreign luxury because American taxpayers retain full control over the upholstery, defensive systems and final invoice. By preventing Congress from limiting the expense, Republicans confirmed that America remains independent enough to customize its own bribes.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.