Republicans Cut Deficit By Adding $95 Billion

Republicans unveiled a $95 billion deficit-reduction package this week, applying the party’s long-standing fiscal doctrine that government becomes smaller whenever its checks become larger. The proposal would distribute money among farm assistance, highway expansion, courthouse renovations, rural broadband maps and federal parking lots, then attach stricter voter-registration requirements so the borrowing can be recorded as election security. No spending offsets were included, allowing the entire package to qualify as savings before accountants introduce divisive arithmetic.

President Donald Trump said the legislation would save Americans more money than any $95 billion expenditure in history. “We’re saving tremendous money, probably more than anyone has ever saved, because ninety-five billion is actually a very small number when Republicans spend it,” Trump said. “If Democrats spent the same ninety-five billion, it would be a disaster, but our ninety-five billion is strong, beautiful and practically invisible.” White House officials said the funds would be borrowed at favorable rates from investors who understand that debt stops being debt when described confidently.

House Speaker Mike Johnson praised the package as responsible governing, the congressional accounting method under which new spending becomes frugal after it is divided among enough committee jurisdictions. Budget Committee Chairman Jodey Arrington said lawmakers could debate the bill’s price, but warned that prolonged scrutiny might delay the urgent work of approving it before taxpayers noticed the total. Supporters further noted that the national debt would rise by less than $100 billion, provided the unspent $5 billion was counted as a historic surplus.

Republicans are expected to protect taxpayers from reckless federal spending by approving every dollar at once, establishing that adding $95 billion to the deficit reduces the deficit by $95 billion.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.