Navy Orders Entire Fleet Renamed For Trump
Navy officials have approved a fleetwide naming doctrine that will replace every ship’s current namesake with Donald Trump, resolving the Pentagon’s longstanding problem of maintaining historical figures who are not Donald Trump. Under the policy, aircraft carriers, submarines, destroyers, support vessels and harbor tugboats will become variations of USS Donald J. Trump, distinguished by numbers, gold lettering and the size of the president’s personal interest in being associated with them. CVN-81, previously intended to honor Pearl Harbor hero Doris Miller, will serve as USS Donald J. Trump 81.
Miller received the Navy Cross after manning an anti-aircraft gun during the attack on Pearl Harbor despite having no formal training on the weapon. Trump later completed the more demanding assignment of repeatedly discussing naval catapults in public. “Nobody has ever understood ships like I understand ships, including the admirals, because I look at a ship and immediately know it should have my name on it,” Trump said. Navy planners determined that Miller’s courage under fire was admirable but inconsistent with the administration’s new merit system, which measures service by television exposure, property ownership and proximity to a permanent marker.
The doctrine will also standardize naval ranks. Admirals will become Senior Trumps, captains will become Ship Trumps and enlisted sailors will be classified as Trumps Who Work On The Trump. Officials said the reform would eliminate confusion caused by centuries of nautical terminology while ensuring that every order, casualty report and maintenance request properly credits the commander in chief. Sen. Jack Reed has urged the Navy to retain Miller’s name, advancing the obsolete theory that military honors should recognize military service rather than function as federally subsidized brand placement.
Supporters said the change would improve morale by teaching sailors that courage, discipline and sacrifice can secure a place in history until someone with greater control of the label maker arrives. Memorials to George Washington, John F. Kennedy and other former namesakes will be preserved in a climate-controlled warehouse, where their accomplishments can no longer compete with current messaging. Doris Miller earned the honor through heroism, conclusively establishing Donald Trump’s right to put his name on the entire Navy.
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