Maine Democrats Remove Voters From Democracy

Maine Democrats strengthened democracy Saturday by removing its least reliable component: the voters. Party delegates meeting in Bangor nominated former Maine Senate President and logger Troy Jackson to challenge Republican Sen. Susan Collins, replacing primary winner Graham Platner after his withdrawal. The orderly transfer demonstrated that elections function best when citizens make a preliminary suggestion and trained party professionals later correct it. Officials described the arrangement as an advanced form of ranked-choice voting in which residents rank candidates, cast ballots and ultimately receive someone who had been running in a different race.

Jackson secured the nomination after several rivals ended their campaigns upon learning that he had enough delegates, preserving the cherished democratic tradition of leaving a contest before anyone has to vote on it. Jackson had been running for governor, but party leaders reassigned him to the Senate race like an experienced substitute teacher dispatched to whichever classroom had most recently caught fire. Collins, whose political brand rests on carefully considering every possible course before supporting the one already chosen, was said to be concerned that Democrats had perfected candidate replacement before Republicans could patent it.

President Donald Trump praised the innovation despite Maine voters rejecting him in 2024. “It’s an incredible system, maybe the most democratic system ever, because people vote for one person, that person disappears, and then very important people pick another person,” Trump said. “It’s extremely efficient, and there’s no confusion except among the voters, who were probably confused before they voted.” Party officials said the convention had fully protected the electorate’s sacred voice by placing it in a sealed archival container, safely beyond the reach of the electorate. Mainers will therefore retain the full American freedom to choose between an incumbent and a replacement selected after their original choice became administratively inconvenient. By removing voters from the nomination, Maine Democrats have conclusively made democracy more democratic.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.