Florida Elections Reduced To Endorsement Receipt Processing

Florida Republicans confirmed Tuesday that elections are now ceremonial paperwork after Trump-backed Rep. Byron Donalds won the Aug. 18 gubernatorial primary, defeating Lt. Gov. Jay Collins, James Fishback and several other candidates for the privilege of facing Democrat David Jolly in November. Donalds’ victory established that campaigns, debates and voter preferences can be replaced by one laminated “Complete and Total Endorsement” dispatched from President Donald Trump’s desk. State officials are considering converting future polling places into Trump merchandise kiosks, allowing citizens to mark Election Day without the exhausting burden of evaluating anyone. Ballots would remain available as commemorative placemats.

“This was a tremendous election, maybe the greatest election, because Byron won exactly the way democracy should work, after I told everybody who the winner was,” Trump said. “Frankly, the ballots were very disrespectful for even having other names, and a lot of people are saying they should apologize.” Donalds thanked voters for correctly ratifying the decision already made for them and promised to “DOGE” state agencies and local governments. Under the proposal, every public dollar would be scrutinized by officials funded with several public dollars, except for money spent investigating whether additional investigators should be hired to scrutinize the original scrutiny.

Outgoing Gov. Ron DeSantis welcomed the orderly transfer of authority, under which Florida will remain free from the tyranny of suspense. Jolly, meanwhile, faces the nearly impossible task of campaigning under the obsolete theory that voters should compare candidates before selecting one. Republican strategists dismissed the practice as a dangerous relic of the pre-endorsement era, when nominees were chosen through primitive rituals involving platforms, persuasion and uncertainty. Election officials said the November general election will proceed as scheduled, primarily so Floridians can receive stickers certifying that they successfully complied with a social-media post. Florida’s voters have spoken, and Donald Trump told them exactly what they said.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.