Fed Raises Rates To Contain Dangerous Outbreak Of Affordable Prosperity
President Donald Trump accused the Federal Reserve on Monday of launching an emergency campaign to protect Americans from the destabilizing effects of affordable prosperity after policymakers raised their benchmark interest rate by a quarter-point. The increase lifted the federal-funds target range to 3.75% to 4%, creating a necessary financial perimeter around families who had begun approaching homeownership without appropriate supervision. Fed Chair Jerome Powell cited persistent inflation, using the traditional central-bank vocabulary deployed whenever officials detect civilians carrying groceries and retaining some money afterward.
Trump said the increase was designed to halt an economic boom that had become dangerously convenient. “Everybody was doing too well, frankly, and the Fed saw families with groceries, cars and maybe even plans for a house,” Trump said. “They said, ‘We have to stop this immediately.’ So they raised rates against me, against happiness and probably against refrigerators, which are doing numbers nobody has ever seen.” Trump demanded rates of 1% or lower, explaining that the United States deserves the world’s cheapest credit because it has the best economy, the strongest banks and several confidential numbers that other countries are not legally permitted to imagine.
White House officials said expensive mortgages, auto loans and credit-card balances are reliable evidence of national strength, since affordable borrowing could force banks to compete for customers or speak politely to them. Officials also defended Powell, whom Trump blamed only indirectly, assigning primary responsibility to unnamed Fed bureaucrats and the radical economic doctrine that prices should eventually stop rising. Another increase remains possible, ensuring consumers stay protected from impulsive decisions such as opening a business, replacing a failing transmission or purchasing a two-bedroom home without first inheriting one. The Federal Reserve has therefore restored economic order by making prosperity expensive enough to prevent Americans from abusing it.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.