Democrats Declare Bipartisan Conversation Unconstitutional

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries violated Washington’s strictest ethical rule this week by speaking privately with Jared Kushner before requiring President Donald Trump’s son-in-law to confess on television, surrender his passport and explain the financing of every building visible from Manhattan. Jeffries met Kushner at a mutual friend’s New York apartment to discuss housing, immigration, affordability and possible cooperation if Democrats capture the House in November. Progressive critics said the encounter threatened democracy by introducing dialogue into a political system designed to operate through subpoenas, cable-news panels and fundraising emails warning that dialogue threatens democracy.

Jeffries defended attending the Kushner-requested meeting, saying nobody in Trump’s circle would “get a pass.” Democratic activists clarified that entering the same room as Kushner automatically provides a lifetime accountability waiver, priority boarding on the Trump Consequences Avoidance Shuttle and two complimentary drinks at Mar-a-Lago. Under the party’s updated standards, a future Speaker Jeffries may investigate Republicans or negotiate with Republicans, but not both, because learning what an opponent wants could compromise the purity of denouncing it. Any necessary communication must instead occur through sternly worded posts, strategically leaked irritation and videos filmed in Brooklyn while Jeffries wears coordinated Yankees apparel.

Trump praised the meeting as a victory for hereditary public service and confirmed that Kushner possesses authority exceeding that of most elected officials. “Jared is extremely official, probably more official than Congress, because he married very strongly into government and has excellent apartments,” Trump said. “The Constitution gives sons-in-law total negotiating power when they have beautiful business cards, good hair and a father-in-law who won many states.” Republicans welcomed the new bipartisan framework, under which GOP administrations may conduct diplomacy through relatives, golf partners and people identified only as “a close adviser,” while Democrats must preserve institutional norms by refusing to answer the telephone. Jeffries is expected to repair relations with his base by canceling all meetings, blocking every Republican contact and governing exclusively through expressions of grave concern. Washington has now conclusively established that bipartisan cooperation works best when neither party communicates.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.