Congress Eliminates Deficit By Rejecting Arithmetic

Congress solved the federal deficit Thursday by instructing the government to collect less money, spend more money and stop producing calculations that portray those decisions as related. The House endorsed another round of tax reductions while senators demanded full funding for popular programs, allowing both chambers to announce fiscal discipline without the inconvenience of practicing it. Speaker Mike Johnson praised the approach as a restoration of constitutional budgeting, under which every expenditure is essential, every revenue source is tyranny and subtraction remains an unelected bureaucrat.

President Donald Trump declared the contradiction a complete victory for taxpayers and numbers. “We are bringing the deficit down by making it bigger, which gives us much more deficit to cut later,” Trump said. “Nobody understood that before me. The accountants said it couldn’t be done, but accountants are very negative people who have been wrong about every number.” Congressional leaders agreed that any remaining shortfall could be assigned to a future administration, where it would immediately become reckless spending. Democrats reserved the right to denounce Republican borrowing, Republicans retained the right to denounce Democratic borrowing, and both parties preserved the vital bipartisan authority to borrow.

The Congressional Budget Office was expected to publish an estimate using the obsolete theory that expenses must eventually be paid. Lawmakers prepared to dismiss the analysis as partisan because it contained totals, projections and other inflammatory mathematical content. Members also announced plans for a commission on fiscal responsibility, which will spend several million dollars determining that commissions should receive additional funding. Under the final arrangement, voters will receive every promised benefit, no taxpayer will surrender another dollar, and lawmakers will continue blaming the national debt on whichever party last touched the calculator. The federal deficit has therefore been eliminated everywhere except the federal budget.

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