Congress Deploys Legislative Delay Against AI Extinction
Congress announced this week that warnings about artificial intelligence potentially ending humanity have been contained by the federal government’s most reliable safety system: indefinite legislative delay. Former Anthropic researcher Jacob Coxon resigned after warning that leading AI companies were racing toward superintelligence while “gambling with our lives,” and Anthropic researcher Evan Hubinger has estimated a greater-than-10-percent chance that AI could kill every human within a decade. Lawmakers responded by advancing immediately to the “considering whether to consider action” phase, where dangerous proposals are rendered harmless through calendars, jurisdictional disputes and catered stakeholder lunches.
House members including Sam Liccardo and Ted Lieu urged Speaker Mike Johnson to cancel the chamber’s six-week recess and keep lawmakers in Washington until they pass meaningful safeguards. Johnson instead preserved Congress’s proven extinction-prevention protocol of leaving town. “If artificial intelligence wants to destroy civilization, it will first have to survive regular order, committee referrals, stakeholder consultations and several members demanding unrelated tax credits,” Johnson said. “No machine, however advanced, possesses the processing power required to get a clean bill through the United States House of Representatives before a district work period.”
Officials said any rogue superintelligence attempting to eradicate the species would be referred to three subcommittees, subjected to dueling hearings about free speech, amended to rename a post office and postponed until after the midterm elections. Should the system somehow escape committee, Senate rules would require it to secure 60 votes, satisfy the parliamentarian and wait while one member places a hold over an airport project. Defense analysts described the procedure as a human-activated kill switch powered entirely by institutional reluctance.
Sen. Bernie Sanders has proposed pausing advanced AI development and banning superintelligence, an unnecessarily direct approach that could produce actual policy and therefore undermine the broader containment strategy. House leaders instead expect to address one narrow data-center issue before Election Day, ensuring that any machine-led annihilation occurs with transparent permitting requirements and reasonable electricity rates. Officials remain confident Congress can outlast artificial intelligence because algorithms improve exponentially, while federal legislation improves only when accidentally attached to a farm bill. Humanity is safe because extinction cannot proceed without unanimous consent.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.