Congress Approves Orderly Human Extinction

Congress entered emergency deliberations this week after former Anthropic researcher Jacob Coxon warned that advanced artificial intelligence could kill humanity by the end of the decade, potentially eliminating Americans before lawmakers finish scheduling a bipartisan listening session on whether to begin discussing it. House Democrats urged Speaker Mike Johnson to cancel recess and reconvene Congress for immediate safeguards. Johnson instead proposed a meeting with President Donald Trump, lawmakers and technology executives, activating Washington’s highest state of readiness: placing everyone who created the emergency in one room with bottled water and name tags.

Johnson assured the public that Congress would use every procedural tool available to prevent civilization from ending ahead of the appropriations calendar. “The American people elected us to deliberate carefully, commission several reports, hold televised hearings and ultimately protect humanity with a nonbinding resolution recognizing that extinction would be deeply unfortunate,” Johnson said, displaying the brisk urgency of a smoke detector requesting unanimous consent. Members also discussed asking AI companies to regulate themselves, a proven safety model previously entrusted to banks, railroads, airlines, pharmaceutical companies and anyone standing near a campaign contribution.

Sen. Bernie Sanders has backed a pause in advanced AI development, while Rep. Ted Lieu and Sen. Ruben Gallego have supported additional congressional scrutiny. Lawmakers said new committees could force artificial intelligence to confront the only computational problem no machine has solved: determining what Congress does all day. Officials emphasized that the greater threat is not an uncontrollable superintelligence, but a controllable one capable of reading every federal AI proposal since 2023 and noticing that none became a meaningful national framework. Leaders therefore announced an accelerated response schedule: panic through September, campaign through November, blame the opposing party in December and begin studying humanity’s extinction as soon as the machines submit the correct paperwork. Congress has now ensured that the end of civilization will proceed in a bipartisan and orderly manner.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.