Canada Attacks American Democracy By Explaining Tariffs

Canada launched its most aggressive assault on American democracy Wednesday by publicly explaining what tariffs do. The U.S. Embassy in Ottawa cited Canadian officials meeting with governors, retaliatory duties aimed at politically important states and an Ontario advertisement in which Ronald Reagan criticizes tariffs. Investigators described the Reagan footage as particularly corrosive because it deploys a former Republican president’s recorded words against a current Republican policy, an influence operation previously known as pressing play. Ambassador Pete Hoekstra warned Canadian politicians to keep their “nose out” of American politics, establishing the diplomatic principle that countries affected by U.S. policy may absorb the economic damage but must refrain from discussing where it came from.

President Donald Trump praised the embassy for identifying the threat before Americans could connect higher import costs with higher prices. “Canada has been very sneaky, very maple and frankly very syrupy about this whole thing,” Trump said. “They tell Americans tariffs raise prices, which is election interference because Americans were never supposed to notice prices or ask who pays them.” Prime Minister Mark Carney and Ontario Premier Doug Ford denied attempting to manipulate U.S. voters, claiming they were merely defending Canadian workers and responding to policies that directly affect Canada. American officials recognized the explanation as textbook foreign subversion: behaving like a government while located outside the United States.

Ottawa has since advised Canadian diplomats to avoid midterm candidates, campaign events, photographs and prolonged eye contact, any of which could transfer dangerous quantities of parliamentary influence into the American electoral system. Officials also urged voters to report suspicious Canadian conduct, including accurate statements about consumer costs, unauthorized references to free trade and the transportation of poutine within 500 feet of a polling place. Reagan’s recorded voice will remain under special scrutiny because deceased Republican presidents are permitted to support tariffs only after their inconvenient public remarks have been safely forgotten. American democracy is therefore fully secure, provided voters hear nothing from Canada, nothing from Reagan and as little as possible about tariffs.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.