Administration Orders Science To Keep Studying Until Trump Is Right

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Sunday that American science will no longer be constrained by completed research, replicated findings or the administrative burden of reaching conclusions. During a CNN interview with Dana Bash, Kennedy said President Donald Trump “certainly” wants further investigation into the debunked claim that vaccines cause autism, despite more than 40 studies involving 5.6 million people finding no such connection. The declaration established a new federal scientific standard under which a question remains open until it produces an answer satisfactory to the president.

“We’re going to study this better than anybody has ever studied anything, and we’ll keep studying it until the scientists give us the correct answer,” Trump said. “A lot of these results are very unfair to me.” Researchers said the approach would streamline peer review by replacing data analysis with a single question: whether the conclusion improves the president’s mood. Studies that fail the test will be returned to laboratories for additional patriotism.

Kennedy also endorsed measles vaccination while continuing to cast suspicion on vaccines generally, a public-health strategy comparable to pressing the accelerator, brake and emergency brake while accusing the dashboard of censorship. When Bash cited the existing evidence, Kennedy accused her of repeating scientific findings “like a parrot,” a rebuttal officials said automatically nullifies any research summarized more than once. Medical journals are expected to revise their standards accordingly, requiring authors to withdraw a finding whenever a cabinet secretary compares a journalist to wildlife.

Health officials said the department’s expanded research agenda may also examine whether seat belts cause automobile accidents, whether umbrellas produce rain and whether smoke alarms are responsible for fires. The initiative is designed to restore confidence in public health by ensuring that no conclusion survives long enough to guide it. After decades of allowing evidence to determine policy, the federal government has finally corrected the error by requiring policy to determine evidence.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.