Trump Administration Establishes Federal Ownership of Common Names

The Trump administration restored order to Alaska’s elections Tuesday by reaffirming the nation’s oldest unwritten constitutional principle: Only one politician may possess each ordinary male name. The crisis began when Republican Sen. Dan S. Sullivan appeared on the ballot alongside retired teacher Dan J. Sullivan, forcing voters to examine middle initials before selecting a candidate. Federal officials determined that this amounted to an unlawful literacy test and an intolerable burden on citizens accustomed to voting by whichever name looks most familiar.

Administration officials had sought to block Alaska from certifying Mary Peltola if Sen. Sullivan lost by a suspiciously Sullivan-shaped margin. A federal judge dismissed the request after concluding, without apparent irony, that voters could distinguish between two adults whose names were printed separately. President Donald Trump rejected that theory. “Everybody knows the real Dan, the strong Dan, my Dan, and then suddenly they find another Dan somewhere, probably printed overnight,” Trump said. “If Democrats can manufacture two Dans, next they’ll have six Mikes, twelve Johns and an entire warehouse full of Teds.” The Justice Department then sent target letters to Democratic lawyer Marc Elias and others connected to the second Sullivan, signaling that duplicate naming may qualify as conspiracy, identity theft and aggravated alphabetization.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski criticized the intervention, recklessly suggesting that the federal government should not cancel election results merely because two candidates share a name. Officials dismissed her position as an extremist demand that voters read the whole ballot. Under proposed national safeguards, challengers who share a name with an incumbent would be required to campaign as “Not That One,” while officeholders would receive exclusive federal rights to their first names, surnames and any flattering nicknames Trump can recall without assistance. Candidates named John, Mike or Bill would undergo enhanced screening, and anyone named Donald would need written authorization from the White House. American democracy is therefore secure because voters remain free to choose among candidates whose names have already been approved by the incumbent.

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