Taxpayers Lose Right To Fund Their Own Election Bribes

A federal judge stripped Americans of their constitutional right to finance their own preelection bribery, ordering the Trump administration to remove three taxpayer-funded advertisements, including one promising every citizen $5,000 if Republicans retain control of Congress. The ruling interrupts President Donald Trump’s signature economic program: collect money from the public, spend part of it announcing that some may be returned, then release the remainder after voters demonstrate satisfactory gratitude. Economists classify the plan as buying yourself a gift card with your own credit card and thanking the bank. The White House classifies it as unprecedented generosity.

Trump defended the arrangement as the first federal rebate program to include an informal loyalty test. “Nobody has ever given the American people five thousand dollars this way, because the people gave it to us first, and that makes our gift even more generous,” Trump said. “The judge blocked beautiful money that belongs to you, unless you vote incorrectly, in which case it obviously belongs to the government.” The court also halted advertisements titled “Every Democrat Voted Against No Tax on Tips” and “Cost of Socialism,” apparently reviving the obsolete theory that official government communications should provide information rather than campaign messaging printed on federal stationery.

The decision leaves taxpayers facing the indignity of not spending millions of dollars to hear that Republicans may eventually return some of the same millions. Constitutional scholars warned that the ruling could establish a destabilizing precedent under which political campaigns must purchase their own advertisements, candidates must solicit donations voluntarily, and government agencies must resist describing one party as civilization’s final defensive wall. Administration officials are considering lawful alternatives, including mailing households photographs of Trump holding an oversized check, billing recipients for postage and promising reimbursement after Republicans win every competitive race. Until then, voters must navigate the election without the civic guidance traditionally supplied by a president using public funds to explain which party deserves public office. The Constitution therefore no longer protects the sacred American freedom to pay for one’s own bribe.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.