Judge Endangers Republic by Questioning Trump Arch

U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan endangered the republic Friday by asking whether President Donald Trump’s proposed 250-foot triumphal arch is legal, overlooking the settled constitutional principle that laws become optional once a structure is large enough to contain elevators, sniper posts and tasteful quantities of gold. Chutkan questioned the administration’s effort to accelerate construction near Arlington National Cemetery and asked what harm could result from delaying Trump’s urgent campaign to bedazzle the capital. White House constitutional experts said postponement would expose the country to immediate national humiliation, inadequate gilding and the continued possibility that visitors might enter Washington without understanding who owns it.

The District of Columbia and Virginia sued to block the project, citing absent congressional authorization, traffic congestion, pollution and obstacles for emergency vehicles. Administration officials dismissed those concerns as precisely the petty procedural objections the Founders intended to eliminate when they drafted a Constitution flexible enough to accommodate one man’s enormous personal monument. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the arch could serve national-security functions, while Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem reportedly reviewed plans involving surveillance drones and fortified observation platforms. Their assessments confirmed that the Pentagon, intelligence agencies and nearly $1 trillion in annual defense spending have left the nation dangerously short of decorative bronze women holding swords.

Trump defended the project’s military features and rejected suggestions that the arch was principally intended to glorify him. “It’s a very defensive arch, maybe the most defensive arch ever built, and without it anyone could drive into Washington without feeling sufficiently dominated by architecture,” Trump said. “Judges don’t understand arches. They understand gavels, very small objects, no elevators, no gold, and frankly no strategic value whatsoever.” Construction could begin after final approval, leaving the United States temporarily protected only by the armed forces, federal law enforcement, missile defenses and several disappointingly nongolden traffic circles. The arch is therefore constitutional because it is enormous.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.